I can text with my tongue
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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