Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
