Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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