So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
