he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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