she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
