he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
