If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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