You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
