You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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