oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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