i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
