Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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