never play flip cup with pint glasses
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
