This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
