I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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