This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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