I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
