Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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