i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
