I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
