I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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