as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I wish there were birth control emojis
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
