I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
