So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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