The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
