In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
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Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
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He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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