I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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