What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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