haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
