The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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