i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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