Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
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