I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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