It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
