I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
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I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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