Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
