I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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