I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
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My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
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He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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