Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
