I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
