I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
