i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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