Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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