I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
