Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
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airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
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I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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