I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I accidentally burped into my bong.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
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