Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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