Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
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Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
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Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
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