I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
