sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
