And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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