gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
