I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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