So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just want nice things and good sex
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
